My Spiritual Director is a Four-Year-Old
Children always help me test my assumptions.
I’m visiting family and that includes time with my niece, J, who is turning four tomorrow.
Most of our conversations start with “Why” or “What”.
“Auntie Marchaé, what is a speech?”
“Auntie Marchaé, why do you have two earrings in one ear and one earring in another?”
“Auntie Marchaé, what is floss?”
You get the point.
I never get tired of J’s questions. I think they are quite the gift.
J’s questions remind me that it’s not only okay to not know things but also okay to ask someone you trust if they might help you find the answers. In a culture buzzing with words like “influencer” and “thought leader,” it’s easy to feel like we have to know all of the answers or else we’re not good enough.
J’s questions also remind me that I don’t even know what I know. Her questions invite me toward curiosity about how I can explain things that seem so simple in my own head but feel much more difficult to explain to her. Some of the things that feel simple to me only feel that way because they are ideas I haven’t explained or examined in some time.
Everything is more complicated when I try to explain it, first to myself, and then to J. Because that requires me to test my assumptions. And sometimes, I realize I don’t know what I think I know. And sometimes I realize I’ve forgotten what I used to know. And sometimes I realize what I once knew about something has changed.
Our relationships with our beliefs and values are complicated. We’ve picked up many messages along the way that we haven’t tested, we’ve simply absorbed. Our beliefs that feel simple are likely anything but that; they are more likely ideas we’ve oversimplified or haven’t been open to letting others question.
The next time someone asks me to explain spiritual direction, I’ll think about these conversations with J.
Spiritual directors—and really curious four-year-olds—give us the continuous gift of unknowing.
Spiritual directors ask questions because questions test our assumptions. And testing our assumptions helps us make meaning. And making meaning helps us evaluate how we have shown up in the world and how we want to show up going forward. Answering our “whys” and “whats” is deeply spiritual work that ultimately answers are ever-evolving “who.”
Sincerely,
Marchaé Grair (they/she)
Still Harbor Director of Programs